In which silence comes uninvited for Taemin.
18 June, Monday
I don’t know what it is but it floats in and out of existence. This strange buzzing in my ears and then silence for a split second. I really can’t say if I’m imagining it or not, but the hyungs think I’m acting weird too. Key hyung keeps yelling at me for daydreaming while he’s talking but I don’t think I’m daydreaming the buzzing noises. I don’t know. It’s probably just a bug in my ear. Anyway, Onew hyung took me out to eat today. By ‘out to eat’, I obviously mean to KFC but whatever, a meal’s a meal so I took up his offer. I think Onew hyung’s noticed it too because he asked if I was feeling alright only a couple of hundred times. I’m just responding with ‘I’m fine’ to everyone. I’m not sure I can say anything else.
20 June, Wednesday
The buzzing has gotten louder and so has the periods of silences. I think I should check with a doctor soon because Minho hyung is looking at me weirdly recently. And if Minho hyung is finding something odd with me, then there must be something odd with me. He never really notices much. Today, Jonghyun hyung was singing in the shower again but halfway through, he stopped short. I yelled at him past the bathroom door to ask why he stopped and he peeked his head out of the bathroom. Funny thing was that his lips were moving but I couldn’t hear a word he was saying for about two seconds. When I could hear him again, all I registered was ‘-alright?’ and a suspicious look from him. I assumed he was asking if I was alright so I responded with ‘I’m fine’ again, only to find out that he actually said, ‘Taemin, follow me down to the store later alright?’. Completely inappropriate answer, I know. I have no idea what is going on with me. This bug had better die in my ear.
24 June, Sunday
I thought everything was getting better with my ears since the buzzing has disappeared. But apparently, it’s been replaced by muffled noises now. I only found out yesterday when Key hyung scolded me for having my ipod volume up to 93% and saying that the rest of the van could hear Britney singing from my earphones. I didn’t find it that loud, to be honest. Also, during dance practice on Friday, I couldn’t hear the beat counts because I kept steering in and out of the silence. I almost got slaughtered by my choreographer for messing up my solo. I’m scared. I don’t know what’s happening. I ended up with my face buried between my knees in the front corner of the dance studio today because the first twenty seconds of the music sounded so muffled and I had turned the volume up to full. Thank God the studio is soundproof. Even so, Onew hyung found me in the corner and sat next to me for awhile. He said everything’s going to be okay and held me really tight. I don’t think he knows what’s really going on because I haven’t told anyone yet.
27 June, Wednesday
I told Onew hyung about the muffled noises and the silence and he agreed that it’s probably a bug in my ear. I dismissed that possibility a long time ago but because he looked pretty worried, I pretended that it was a plausible idea. Onew hyung has never been good at hiding his feelings. It shows all over his face. I told him not to tell the rest of the members because getting them worried wasn’t the best way to deal with the stress that was coming from our crazy schedule. He said he wouldn’t but that we should get it checked out soon. I don’t know why but I feel terribly scared to have it checked out. It’s almost like a sixth sense that something bad is approaching. I’m trying to think happy thoughts a lot recently, like Key hyung taught me.
Rainbows and unicorns, rainbows and unicorns.
30 June, Saturday
I went to the doctor’s today with Onew hyung. I think he cancelled a schedule to go with me. I’m really thankful, really. The doctor didn’t look too worried about my hearing after a thorough checkup but Onew hyung looked horrible. He had heavy eye bags and this really weary look on his face, which I can understand entirely since he’s the leader and everything. I bet he’s facing so much right now, I don’t know why he bothers with me. I asked him why he went with me today but he just laughed (really meekly) and said that he wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. I deemed that a lie because when I suggested KFC, he quickly replied, ‘Except there.’ He also said he was joking after that and I couldn’t find that hint of expression that gave him away when he lies so I guess it’s true. I’m personally getting really worried about my hearing. Today, I played one of our early albums in my room, with earphones on, and thought it jammed halfway. Turns out it was playing the whole time I was trying to figure out what was wrong with it. I can’t even pen down how scared I was right after it happened. I spent the night crying under my sheets. Except this time, Onew hyung joined me and hugged me from outside the sheets. I felt so stupid being like that. Onew hyung kept repeating that it was all going to be alright. It sounded more like he was reassuring himself but I’m sure he means well. I don’t think a lifetime of slavery to him could express my gratitude.
My medical report comes out tomorrow.
1 July, Sunday
Dear Diary, my report is out. I’m going deaf.
5 July, Thursday
It’s been four days since I’ve found out that I’m slowly losing my hearing. The doctor gave me the rest of the year till I have to wear hearing aid. I think I’ve cried enough to fill ten rivers but Onew hyung’s number is probably double that. I’ve never seen him cry this much. Key hyung, Jonghyun hyung and Minho hyung have been crying in secret, I know. I’ve heard them behind closed doors. But they’re being really strong for me. It hurts. I wish I could evade all this. Why do I deserve this? Why do my hyungs deserve this? I can’t believe it. Then again, no one can. It feels like a dream, really it does. But I don’t wake up when I pinch myself. All I do is hurt and cry, hurt and cry.
I’m useless. This is all useless.
10 July, Tuesday
I know what hurts the most now. It hurts the most knowing that in less than six months, I won’t be able to hear Onew hyung telling me that everything is going to be alright and Jonghyun hyung singing in the shower, or Key hyung yelling at me to get up and eat breakfast, or Minho hyung challenging me to beat him to the gym.
I need to run away. Now.
18 July, Wednesday
Why, what a happy birth –
Onew gently pries the pen out of Taemin’s hand and closes the notebook shut tightly before wiping the steady stream of tears from Taemin’s cheeks. Taemin doesn’t dare look up into Onew’s eyes for reasons beyond his own comprehension. He just looks away while Onew squats down and tells him in the most confident tone Taemin’s heard in a long time.
“We’re going to get through this, Taemin, trust me. I’m here for you.”
And apparently, that’s all Taemin needs because he flies straight into Onew’s arms, sobbing heavily and nodding excessively as silence fills every inch of his ears.
I can't write anymore.
I hate myself for writing so disgustingly, this isn't worth posting up but I did it anyway eww. sorry ;-;
on a brighter note, I'm back, I guess? lol /bricked